Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just blew my weed a kiss
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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