I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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