so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
