The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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