I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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