he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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