i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
