What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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