I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
