its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
