Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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