remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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