After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
