I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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