You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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