Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
