life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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