Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
