I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
