I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize