Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
