y did u give ur computer a hand job?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
