I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize