Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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