I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
