if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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