so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
