**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
