I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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