She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
