He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
