birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
there is puke in my bra ... again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
