i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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