i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
