Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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