waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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