walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
