I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
