come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
