Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Four minutes until I can fart!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
