highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
