He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize