Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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