he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
