Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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