She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
