I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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