I cut my penus on the lid.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
