gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
