god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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