The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
