i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
