Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
