I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
