What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
