I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
