even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
