I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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