I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
