good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
