the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
