how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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