I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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